I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
