You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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