Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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