I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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