my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
