saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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