In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
