sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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