You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
