feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
