My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
