mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
