I think my fart just growled at me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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