Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
