You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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