Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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