You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
