i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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