You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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