Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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