I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
