I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This can only be settled by a dance off.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
