new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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