I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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