I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
