There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
