youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
