if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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