I wish I could punch you in the face.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
