is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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