I hate all girls vehemently.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
