I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
