Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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