So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
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He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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