Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
