I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
