You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
