She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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