The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
