Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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