feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
