I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
