So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
