does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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