I wish you could order shots online.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
