I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
