a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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