She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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