the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize