Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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