I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
