My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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