Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
