Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
