All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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