I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
